MY BIRTHDAY WITH DEEP MEDITATION

Sixty four years almost, it will be exact if still alive, on February 11, 2015, I’ll be celebrating my birthday. I can’t say am so happy of my life, but rather just can say, am brave in facing odds and evens. I thank God, no matter what trouble I had encountered, aches and pains in heart, He still help me to manage it gently. Just silently crying whenever am alone and burst all whatever inside my heart.

 
Reaching this age of seniority, many things in life is dropped off too. Spiritual happiness just remain.
Physical happiness is diminish, appetite for food is lowered, a brotherhood/sisterhood relation abound more. Even for other personal things, everything changes of needs and desire in life..
We are easily hurt at this age, a need to be understood more, a more love and care from siblings, attention, a hug and kisses from children, memory gap we slowly suffers, vision slowly dim or blurred, a need to talk with often, a need of hands to hold and walk in a park, beach or beautiful scenery.  Health supplement for our age is a need since we ain't able to eat the food once we enjoys. Just like when our little children took care of them, giving them all our love and attention, cares.
Being at this age, a deep loneliness inside every heart is felt. Maybe, because we know time is running short for us. We still wanted to do more for our self, for our soul, for our love ones that we had not able to do then. Perhaps because of financial scarcity then, the time wasn't enough then, and so many reason.
Our life seems goes along fast with the sun, slowly going to west to rest its shine. So as a life of a senior citizen. Death is not something we fear of, but rather, that deep loneliness regarding our loved ones who will be left about later. Things we wanted more to achieve, but flesh is weakening, so as strength.
Good for those who were lucky to have a good partners in life. But for us who are singles, who shoulders the responsibility of being a father/mother to our children, and dedicated entirely our life. We tried to fill that gap of love they lack of not having a father or mother.



I said to myself, I can proudly say, I have done my best for growing them up, provided them all they need. They are both grown up man now, at their right age and stable jobs. Thank you oh Lord God for all that blessings and guidance you had bestowed upon us three.
Am trying to pursue my own happiness if possible. But always fails. Finding myself alone as soon as they go to their works or having an enjoyment with their friends. Left alone, only this computer is my companion. It was an outlet for my stresses, pain, agony, loneliness. At least, almost what's inside me, that mix emotion I readily releases it thru writings on poems passages, tweets and blogs. A great relieved I achieved releasing that emotion which keep on haunting on my idleness.



I just live by the day, relying completely to God whatever another day He will give. Will my next day be a happy day or another tears would flow on my cheek? Though accustomed since childhood the life of bitterness, saying to myself, my chest is stone. But the pain and sorrows of life, still I can't ignore.. What I just ask in Him, for me to handle it without being my mind tormented of the many problems am facing.
There are many moments I prayed to Him to a have a short life from now on. Maybe, before, am still so brave since my two was still young. But now, eldest is 37 now and hoping that his marriage would come to realize next year to a lady am in favor too. The youngest is 26, and I know is happy with his friends.
As parents grows old in year, even in physical bodies, happiness diminishes too. For a single parent like me, whether a man or woman and always left alone in the house, boring moments fills the space. World seems so crumpled, loneliness, burdensome and tiredness.
I don't have much close friends, ordinary friends or acquaintance, yes, but best friend, none yet. I believe that best friend is God given, a true and trusted one he or she is. I had best friend in every phase of my life, but since we don't have a permanent residence, moving out of places set us apart. Keep on praying that God would hear my prayers for a true and sincere best friend I can call and treasure just as my previous best friend.
Writing blogs helps me a lot to express whatever is inside me, I can release whatever emotion I wanted to be released. Stress caused aging,  people in agony, of nowhere to go, no one to talk to, to share in table eating, viewing on television, change of opinion, someone to hold hands. . Health is precious, we have to take care of our self well.
Being at this age is like being in period of childhood going to teen’s life and adolescent period. Child needs playmate, friends that brings laughter, playing etc. add that jokes. A joyful company adds strength, courage, happiness, braveness, sharpens mind. But, young and old must learn to choose good company. For men, it's easy to go along with their fellowmen, but not for women. Envy is number one cause of destroying good company. Whenever they see they are overpowered in social standing, beauty, lips destroys others. I had encountered such people. That's the reason am so choosy in dealing with and trusting.
Being in this phase of years, it’s like watching how the sun slowly moves to the west zone to rest. Enjoying it with God's help, He has ways of releasing me of my distresses. A fervent prayer as wakens up, before going to sleep, never to miss. Active in doing the holy task He called, remaining righteous in life, still a happy life to go on.
Wishing to have a grandchild from my eldest son, cuddle up her/him. If God would allow me to go on still with my life, praying and hoping to take care of my first born grandchild.
Another thing inspired me to still go on, my first entry of song of praise won, and two another entry on the go. Inspiring me a lot to experience the love of God more and serve Him as He allows me. Thank you oh Lord God Almighty!